How many times have we heard that children are like sponges that absorb everything and learn. We see the speed and ease with which they handle technology, which seems like they have been born with a different chip than previous generations. Nowadays, the challenge we face as a parents is to understand what stimulates and motivates them to learn and identify what external stimuli they admire. Our job is to guide them and at the same time, look after our own behavior because we are their main "model" of social and emotional learning.  They learn from how well what we tell them matches what we actually do. Every day we transmit values ​​and beliefs based on the examples we show them. Experts (Bandura) have identified what triggers our children to want to learn from other people's behaviors:

• People they perceive as warm and who nourish them.
• People who have received rewards for their behavior.
• When they have been rewarded for imitating behavior in the past.
• When they do not have confidence in their own knowledge or skills.
• People who are in an authoritative position in their lives.
• People who are similar to them in age, sex and interests.
• People they admire or who have a higher social status.
• When the situation is confusing, ambiguous or unknown. (1)

What motivates them to imitate others? They identify with a particular model because they have a quality they would like to possess.

They also tend to reproduce behaviors that their society considers "appropriate for their gender." Here, reinforcement or punishment, both external and internal, are factors that stimulate or inhibit the replication of a behavior.

Finally, if a child wants the approval of their parents or peers, this approval is an external reinforcement. On the other hand, being happy as a result of having received approval is an internal reinforcement.

Our children do not learn by imitating but by interpreting or decoding what they have seen and then reproducing it accordingly.   An important difference in this kind of learning is that with their innate talents, they add value to what they model,  and they can even overcome the social model (parents, siblings, friends, teachers, fictional characters) etc. This is called "modeling" in Neurolinguistic Programming (2).

The recent discovery in Neuroscience of "mirror neurons" (Rizzolatti) makes it possible for us not only to replicate  behaviors, abilities or skills we are imitating, but also the emotions of others. It is here that empathy is generated (3). Knowing this helps us to understand why babies smile when we smile at them and make the same gestures that they see. As adults, we get excited by the joy of others and cry when we watch a sad scene in a movie.

We imitate the emotions of others or, at least, the emotions that we unconsciously think that others are manifesting. But this effect does not stop here.  We also imitate postures and facial expressions, language, tone, accent and words.

The existence of these neurons converts us into social and empathic human beings and is generally configured based on joint cooperative actions.

This cooperation strategy is what is called "modeling plus", taking modeling to the next level. Do you want to emphasize the value of charity? Make your son volunteer with you.

If your child is a teenager for whom the idea of ​​being seen with mom or dad makes him uncomfortable, reflect on your own past behaviors and ask yourself how many times you have demonstrated with facts the importance of sharing, and if you have transmitted this value to him: "No matter how busy I am, I always make time to be with you; this is what matters most to me".

Do you want your children to develop the value of gratitude and to think positively? Does it bother you that they complain and get frustrated with what they do not have or you do not buy  for them? Then, when you are together at dinner every day, create the habit of thanking God or life for the small daily blessings like the sun, smiles, time for rest, health, family love, friends, or a delicious food, etc. Have each one express what they are grateful for, and you will begin to install an anchor in their brain that is associated with all the positive things that they have. Things that they will learn to give thanks for all the good that exists in their lives, instead of focusing on what they do not have.

Do you want your children to live the value of honesty? There are hundreds of small non-verbal messages that we, as parents, send every day about honesty.

If you are always late, your child will assume that punctuality is not important, even more so if it is stressful.

If you say that people should always keep their promises, but your child sees you break commitments you've made to him because you're tired, will probably not believe your words.

If your son tells you to keep something a secret but you break that promise and tell your partner, will he may not trust you again.

If you have shouted at or humiliated him in front of others because you were angry,  it is important that you really show regret. Do not say, "I know that I did wrong, but you did such and so. Justifying yourself is not asking for forgiveness; humility starts at home.(4)

Bandura, A. Social learning theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall; 1977 Dilts, R. DeLozier, J. NLP II: The Next Generation. Meta Publications; 2010 Rizzolatti, G, Sinigaglia, C. Mirrors in the Brain: How our minds share actions and emotions: How Our Minds Share Actions, Emotions, and Experience. Amazon Kindle; 2018 Gordon, K. The Teen Years. HarperCollins Publishers Ltd; 2008